venhunt

I remember how last time I was drunk I cried out to God to show himself to me to show me something was real and the moss shimmered.

Loneliness menstrual blood pregnancy tests, one third a bottle of whiskey, loneliness. cigarettes on the window sill need as mercy illness and strength from every day. instant coffee the alarm when night is day and there are coincidences friends on the screen, slow progress hope on revelation a better high cars and cars and that vroooom out the window. yellow-white ear plugs drunk men talking bottles, gas masks I had the answer for a second.

Standing in line at the grocery store with only a bottle of whiskey in my hand wanting to buy beer as well afraid of people looking at me. I buy the beer I'm happy I do. Lay in bed with my childhood blanket around me. Pour the whiskey in a coffee cup. Keep pouring. I spill it and clean it up with my sleeve. The room stinks like cigarettes I scream out to God to speak to me page through the Bible at random hoping he will tell me directly, how to live. Bloody prints in the shape of my heel. Cigarettes piling up on the window sill, a nest of my thoughts. The cat is nervous sits next to me, I can see the boy in the flat across the street,

A bird communicated with me today Everyone laughed but I said it in all seriousness. Free, the kecskék run far from me, suspiciously, Caged, they rush forward nibble my fingers and bleat when I leave. The kittens had fleas, they left them in our beds, but we could pinch them with our fingers and we didn’t care. Poor Íza, chained to a tree its apples fall around her and rot. In the rain she sits in a broken children’s plastic playhouse I dreamt she was free. Up the road by the forest. More medical warehouses come stables, sheds, gypsy houses. On a bright autumn morning the road is empty. In one room, the large c

The image of my hand at the edge of the scan, “inventing medieval landscapes” framed between the first and second pages in a pdf white palm surrounded by black and then the stark pages Seeing it I cried a secret image of myself it slipped into something into a world I was trying to control now I know I can’t keep me all to myself parts spill over the edges peek out and others can see That hand was humble unassuming just doing its job it was innocent. and it was taken.

Kittens wore collars and leashes An old man sleeping on the steps held the other end He sold packs of cigarettes, his wife stolen shoes and cutlery. My largest purchase a stainless steel pot and I hesitated at the counter but bottles of wine were cheap I didn't want it. The systems here; not many smiles. she said, 'A sadness in their hearts', I think, 'maybe.' The young boys and girls put their arms over each other Walk together in the malls Kiss each other in the subway. My limbs are heavy not from exhaustion. I think, 'is this it?' Have everything living inside your head reality is illness, being drunk, feeling shame, laughter. I miss

Matchsticks continue to fail me but the strike and shhhhck is such a nice feeling, briefly. Yiddish sayings no one understood bad white wine no one drank discussions of morality, socratic method no one cared. There was a bulldog and a chihuahua couples times four alone again whispering on the railway over the seas bedtime and toast wanting to wake up to be alone again.

Smoking til I sober up, waiting until home so no one would notice. Now I loudly announce myself. The sky's that red, ugly but familiar. Trying to get some guy to want me and that's the end of it. The chrysanthemums, beautiful but then my hot breath, that last one was like maple syrup. Trying so hard I'll get there so as not to be embarrassed, another, I wish I had lucky strikes. I'm shaking because its all so horrible just be silent and sit quietly quietly, quietly and moths sit and I flutter. I notice a little bit everything's flickering I'll put on my glasses and try to see, nothing. This I spoke unnecessarily and knowing I misspell

I was on a hill in an ice storm trees with long branches I began to swim into the sky and it was dark and a woman was in the light saying it was ok, it was ok. I dreamt of an open empty field the ground white and thick it began to snow I walked into the ruins of a gothic church down the nave and columns and arches half standing the roof gone so the snow could fall. I began to weep the emptiness was isolating a horrible, sweet sorrow and I laid down in the snow to die A young man came into that church And laid on top of me And in that cold bed I felt as if everything would be alright.